annoyed

i really felt refreshed after i came back from my mini vacation in florida . i was making little efforts to make my days a little more sunny. i was trying to be more affectionate with the mister (just hugs and pecks, come on, let's not go crazy here). i was taking a shorter lunch at work to lessen that eleven hour work day. getting that extra twenty minutes of snooze time in the morning and getting home a whole whopping fourteen minutes earlier really was seeming to perk up my frown. but, i don't know ... something happened, because tonight i am a raging bitch.

maybe it started yesterday. i waited at least twenty minutes just in the waiting room to get my vagina serviced (serious, did i just say that?). the nurse called me in, but she called me in as "autumN", she said the "N", you don't say the "N"! and then she had the nerve to throw me up on the scale to prove to me i've gained back the eight pounds i lost before the end of the year. what's next? you're going to make me get all naked and hide under a pink paper cloth, that opens in the front, just so the doctor can look under it? yes.

maybe it started a couple weeks ago. i was uprooted from my position at work after being in the same department for eight years. i don't like change because i am old. i was put in a department that i know nothing about. things seemed good though, things were more lax, the department had less drama ... but i still seem to be answering to old management. communication stinks and i'm confused as hell.

maybe it started yesterday with the first day of spring. apparently michigan didn't get the memo because there was an effin snowstorm this evening and because roads were so icy they shut down the expressway i take to get ALL THE WAY home.

maybe it started tonight. i was beyond ecstatic after that drive to find parker posey had a new television show. i looove parker posey and if i knew anything about computers i would make the "ooo"'s in "love" into little hearts, but i don't so you'll just have to use your imagination. the show didn't get me where i needed it to. those little automatic laughs they throw on shows didn't even seem to match the punchlines. unless of course that was done on purpose, now that would have been funny. i'll give parker another chance next week just because i like the girl.

or ... just maybe it started nearly six months ago when she pulled that stunt. now time has gone by and people have moved on. but for some reason, this week especially, i feel like if i do then i'm just lying to myself. so, sometimes i relive the moment. the phone call at 7 a.m. alerting me she tried to take her life. the feeling of nausea and panic that came over me. not being able to breathe. the moment i saw her lying there in the hospital looking white as a ghost. the dried up blood i attempted to scrub off her body. rinsing out the washcloth in the sink across the hall. over and over and over. my cell phone ringing, people checking in, over and over and over. that morning seemed like an eternity and the night even longer. the hospital transfer. i had been there over twenty years ago, with her, and the surroundings became all so familiar. except now i wasn't the clueless little girl. i was the one in charge. the one who had to be responsible. standing there, alone, with my name written down as the emergency contact. the one who had rights to all her records. i remember the moment i went into the house and in my head played out the story she told me. my friend held me up but every room i walked through just seemed like a dream. i knew every detail because she had told told me earlier that morning and now i wish she wouldn't have. because now she's strong and all i really feel like doing is yelling at her. just to give her back a dose of how it felt for me, just for a second.

* note to self - call therapist, drink a beer.